One of the many surprises about pregnancy thus far is the realization of how little I care about this baby’s gender. My whole life, I’ve wanted a little girl and would have no shame in saying so. But the first time someone asked me, “What do you hope you’re having?” I really couldn’t come up with a genuine answer. It suddenly didn’t matter.
I’m happy that my husband feels the same way. The fact that we don’t have a preference, however, does not mean that we don’t want to know as soon as possible. I almost wrote, “does not mean that we want to keep it a surprise.” Really, it’s always a surprise, isn’t it? It’s just a matter of how long a couple decides to delay that surprise. Whether it’s finding out around the 18 week mark of pregnancy, finding out at the baby’s birth, or, in what I believe to be a bizarre and ridiculous sexuality experiment, waiting to reveal your child’s gender until age 5.
I’ve written before about how I don’t understand the judgment that seems to go on between those that want to find out early versus those that want to wait until the baby’s birth (Admittedly, I do judge the couple who waited until age 5). It’s a personal decision and frankly, I don’t really mind what other families decide to do. But in case you care why we have decided to find out as soon as we are able, here’s a heads up about why it works for us.
I’m a control freak. I generally do not like surprises and prefer to be as prepared as possible, especially when it comes to life-changing occurrences like raising a child. I’ve heard some argue that there isn’t much to prepare for with regards to gender–a baby is a baby. That might be true for them, but it isn’t for me. The issues that will arise in parenting a girl are very different than the issues I want to be mindful of when parenting a boy, and vice versa. I am a thoughtful, cautious person who needs plenty of time to digest information. The extra five or so months for me to mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare for the person I’m about to guide through life will be helpful to my confidence and sanity.
We’re tired of referring to our baby as “It.” Let’s face it: our gender is one of the most fundamental pieces in the puzzle of building our personal identities. Maybe this makes us bad parents, but it’s difficult for us to strengthen our bond with this Life without being able to conceptualize its most basic little essence. Until now, yes, I’ve been thrilled about becoming a mother, but I’ve also felt sick, tired, and out of touch with my body. Matthew has felt even further removed from the process because of his obvious lack of physical involvement. Taking the step to learn our baby’s gender will greatly help us connect with the momentous change that has been taking place for four months but, until now, hasn’t felt fully “real.”
Why not? We just can’t find a reason not to learn everything we can about this baby, for better or worse. The argument that “there are no surprises left in life,” doesn’t remotely fly with me. After all, I’m pretty sure any parent will assure you that there are PLENTY of surprises along the way. And the thought that I would need the surprise of the baby’s sex to get me through the pain of labor is silly to me. I’m going through labor for the indescribable experience of raising a child for the rest of the my life; not for the one-second gratification of learning our baby’s sex.
Lastly, I simply disagree with the idea that gender doesn’t matter. Of course, it doesn’t matter in that this child will be endlessly loved and adored regardless of whether or not it has a penis. But finding out the baby’s gender implies that you’re going to start gender-izing, which today’s society seems to frown upon. I don’t understand this. When did gender become something that we have to pretend doesn’t affect our everyday lives? When did pride and excitement about our inherent identity become a bad thing?
This isn’t about some selfish desire to know what color onesies to buy. For us, this is about the simple joy of wanting to celebrate the life growing inside me as thoroughly as possible, as soon as possible. Some might call it impatience. I call it crazy, unstoppable, boundless enthusiasm.
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We chose to find out the sex with our first but also made sure to get all the big expensive baby gear in gender-neutral colors. It was nice to be able to say “she” instead of “it” for sure! But I really do want to have a surprise with our next child. I just think it would be so much fun! Plus, if it’s another girl, then my husband won’t be as bummed because OH MY GOD, LOOK AT HER SHE’S BEAUTIFUL instead of seeing a lack of penis on an ultrasound & being bummed about being outnumbered (& not having his oh so important SON) for the rest of the pregnancy.
Can’t wait for you to find out!!
I’m with you on the gender neutral baby gear. Regardless of whether we have another child, I just find neutral colors more soothing, relaxing, and sophisticated! I’ve already decided to do the nursery in neutrals
I DON’T want to find out the sex until birth, but I completely understand why someone would want to find out.
I say…it’s your pregnancy and your child. You should do it as you wish.
I completely agree! For some reason, I’ve been feeling some judgement about our desire to find out early, which is why I wrote this.
I agree with you.. I also like to be in control of things. Finding out what I was having when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant was important to me also. I felt mentally and emotionally prepared by the time my son was born.
“inherent” and “gender” are quite incompatible. Biological sex is inherent. Gender is not the outward manifestation of some coherent, intrinsec identity. It is a series of acts that society chooses to categorize as male or female, deeming them representative of a “fixed” identity, or, in the case that one’s gender does not fit into a male/female binary, rejecting it as an unacceptable/unrecognizable performance of gender. Gendering a baby before birth means that before this new person even gets a chance to know who he or she is, we’re assigning to him or her an entire identity, an entire set of behavioral expectations, with which he or she might not identify at all. That’s why gendering is a problem.
I think you are misunderstanding my use of the word gender when referring to sex. What I think you are referring to is the ascription of gender roles, that is, a specific set of ideals, behaviors, and preferences commonly assigned to each gender. While I agree that assigning any character qualities to a child before it is born is unfair, I disagree with the notion that acknowledging and celebrating biological gender is analogous to what you are describing.
As a former student of gender studies at the university level, I am well aware of the implications of gender stereotyping. My goal is merely to celebrate my child’s intrinsic biological identity. Whatever character qualities and preferences s/he develops with age is a privilege I look forward to witnessing.
Lara — isn’t biological gender just “sex”? You talked about learning the baby’s gender throughout this post, but I learned in my human sexuality studies in college that sex is the biological characteristics that you are describing as gender here. Not trying to nitpick; just confused!
Ha, yes, I think that was also Cait’s point. In this post I use “gender,” and “sex,” interchangeably. I understand now that this is not technically correct! However, I still maintain that society at large often uses “gender” when referring to sex! Perhaps I should be more mindful of my ultra-educated audience
Oops, sorry, Cati, not Cait.
With all due respect, (and, for whatever it’s worth, as a student of gender studies at the graduate level) the phrase “biological gender” raises huge red flags for me; that gender is not biological, is, as far as I know, beyond accepted in gender studies.
I’m not looking to get into a contest about who has the most education in this subject. It is my understanding that the term gender (not gender roles) is commonly used as a synonym for sex. If that is academically inaccurate, I stand corrected, but in this post I use the terms interchangeably.
I certainly am not looking to get into a debate either, I enjoy your blog. Gender and sex, however, are far from synonymous.
Lara, this all reminds me of our phone conversation….
I’M IN A PHD PROGRAM SOOOOOOOOOO
I guess you could have said “If “IT” is born with a VAGINA or if IT was born with a PENIS”. However that might have taken some of the subtlety out of the post, no?
After having raised children for almost 21 years, it still amazes me how much (unjustified) judgment there is around raising children, from way before they are even born until forever…
And I totally understand why you want to find out!
One Pro to finding out the anatomy (heaven forbid I use “sex” or “gender” wrong around here!): Only half as many arguments as you decide on a name.
BUT ANDREA WHAT ABOUT GENDER AMBIGUOUS NAMES GEEZZZZ SO INSENSITIVE
i think you need to do what makes you happy! people who judge are justt jealous and ridiculous. just promise you’ll tell us! xoxo
I agree Julie. I will definitely keep you informed!
Totally agreed. “IT” is just plain weird. He is neither good nor bad. She is neither good nor bad. But I agree that it can be bonding for the two of you to know if it’s she or he. And for you to start bonding with him/her ( I can’t say ‘it’). And in 9 months, it won’t even matter any more- it’ll be a done deal and we’ll all be ecstatic! CANT wait to meet the bump!
Yes, you are right! Actually, in five months! Yay!
I think this is a beautifully written post! And you and Matt will be wonderful parents. I already know that you both are loving, kind people, and “it” will feel that immediately. I’m with you…this is such an exciting process, who wouldn’t be squealing to find out more more more! What a joyous event!!
Thanks GC!
It was important to me to know what sex my children were. I am a man and I really wanted a boy. When my first was girl, she became my princess. I loved her more than life it’s self. She was and still is daddies girl. When we became pregnant the second time, of course I really wanted a boy. When we had the ultra sound, the doctor and the ultra sound specialist said we were having a second girl. The doctor went so far as saying, ” I have never been wrong.” Guess what? When Sarah emerged, she was a boy! So don’t count your chickens before they hatch. I love my son every bit as much as my daughter. Yes, I may be the odd one out. But not matter what child you have… You will love it with your whole heart.
So much for a man’s perspective. Thanks for letting me post.
Love you Lara and Matthew, you rock!!!
Thanks Larry. As I said, whether or not it is a boy or a girl isn’t a concern for us, either. We are just excited to find out as soon as we can! (I’ve heard other stories about mistaken gender prediction like that! Apparently now they can give you an idea of how sure they are, but indeed, nothing is ever “for sure,” is it?!)
Hi Lara, I’m in complete agreement with you! We found out with Charles and intend to find out with Baby Rod #2. With Charles, knowing his gender and giving hiim a name very soon after allowed John and I (and everyone else for that matter) to form a real connection/relationship with him. During labor, all the nurses, doctors, and everyone else were cheering for Charles, by name, to come into the world. By the time he was in our arms, we truly felt like we already knew him and he had an identity. None of this is to say that those that don’t find out don’t have a connection with their baby, but for us it was definitely the right decision. At our 13 week ultrasound a few weeks ago we were told that the “angle of the dangle” was 60% girl/40% boy. As our tech told us, google it.
Hi Libby! That’s a great story about Charles being born. It made me smile. Unfortunately the woman who performed our 12-week ultrasound was very strict about what she would and wouldn’t tell us. She was insistent that our doctor be the one to analyze the results. At one point I was so frustrated that I said to her, “Can you just confirm that it’s human, please?!” So I didn’t dare ask her about the angle thing
Most people find out the gender these days. I want to know the gender of my daughter’s baby – she is pregnant but she does not want to know.
people will always judge you, whether its what you might have on your lunch plate or when you decide to find the sex of your baby.. who cares what they think! as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters
great post!
Thanks Betty, I agree!
Can’t wait to hear! We decided not to find out. I’ve always wanted to not know. I consider myself very organized and controlling too and I like to be prepared, but for this, I just didn’t want to know. I think it’s very fun until the last minute!
I can definitely see the fun in waiting, too! You must be getting so close now, congratulations again!
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