July 4, 2012 (35 weeks):
Fourth of July. We’re at an awesome party overlooking the Puget Sound, and it’s the first sunny, warm day that Seattle has seen all year. I feel full of life in every way. Everything is, literally and figuratively, sparkles and fireworks. Life is good.
July 10, 2012 (35 weeks, 6 days):
The baby’s movement has been insane for the last three days, and I am worried he has flipped. I mention this to a few people and everyone assures me that it is unlikely; babies just don’t turn this late once they are “in position.”
We head to our regular appointment with the midwives. We meet Audrey, a sugar-sweet, tiny woman who I instantly hope is the midwife on call when I go into labor. We sit and talk about the pregnancy and our hopes for the birth, and I ask her to check the baby’s position.
I watch her face as she feels my belly–her pretty eyes, her big teeth, then the slight way she lifts her eyebrows, and instantly I know.
“Hmm, I’m going to do a quick ultrasound, I’ll be right back.”
She leaves the room and Matthew chats to me about how cool it is that we get an impromptu ultrasound. He asks what we should have for dinner. He points out the cute baby pictures on the wall.
He doesn’t know what’s coming.
But I do.
Goop goes on the belly. Within seconds we see the mass that is his head.
Right below my heart.
“Your baby is breech,” she says.
My throat goes dry as I process this. I start to well up, because I know what she’s going to say next.
“We can do everything possible to get him to turn in the next two weeks, but if he doesn’t, we’ll have to schedule a c-section for 39 weeks.”
I swallow hard and fight back tears. “That’s not in our birth plan,” I say feebly.
I know how ridiculous this sounds but I say it anyway. I am hoping she will respond with, “Oh of course! Your birth plan is right here. I got it confused with Angelina Jolie’s. You’re right, you don’t need a c-section. Your baby will be birthed naturally.”
Instead she explains our options. We can meet with an OB tomorrow to discuss a procedure called external version. I can do acupuncture or handstands in the pool. Something about crawling on all fours.
My brain is spinning. “But he was head down at our last appointment!” I argue. She sighs and gives me a sympathetic look.
“I’ve done everything I was supposed to do,” I continue, as though she is personally responsible for this and has the power to change it if I just convince her that we are worthy. “We took months of classes and I’ve stuffed myself with protein and I’ve done all the exercises and kegeled and practiced relaxation and tracked the baby’s movement and did what the books tell me to and THIS IS NOT IN MY BIRTH PLAN!” I want to scream.
I start to cry. She tells me it’s ok to be upset. This makes me cry more because it confirms there is something to be upset about. I wonder what I did to make him turn–what about my uterus is so uncomfortable that he had to shift around like the princess and the pea.
We leave. I cry more.
I reach out. I call our doula, our Bradley teacher, my mom, my dad, my sister, two girlfriends.
Matthew reaches in. He reads through every book and website he can find. He makes a list of resources and gathers studies, weighing all the options.
I feel totally defeated. That night, Matthew stacks pillows and helps me into a pelvic tilt, while he holds a flashlight and music to the bottom of my belly, trying to draw the baby toward the light and sound. If this were anyone else, it would be hilarious. But something about its ridiculousness makes me believe it will never work, and I have tears streaming down my face the whole time.
July 11, 2012 (36 weeks):
Up at 4am crawling on all fours and reading discussion forums about breech babies. Apparently there is a correlation between babies who are breech at term and birth defects. I’m a wreck. I don’t know what time I finally get to sleep, but when I awaken at 9am, Matthew still hasn’t left for work and tells me he got us in for the first available OB appointment to discuss the version procedure.
We arrive for our appointment and meet the doctor. She is direct and to the point, not soft and sweet like Audrey. Where is Audrey? I want Audrey. Dr. G spouts out statistics and success rates, she tells us risk percentages and summarizes her recommendations. I tell her of my late-night reading about birth defects and breech babies, expecting her to tell me not to worry and not to read those silly forums, but she doesn’t. “Yes, there is a correlation,” she says matter-of-factly. “It is a weak one, and there is nothing you can do about it anyway, so try not to focus on that.”
Uh, sure. Thanks.
By the end of the appointment, I have more resolution. I’ve been warned that birth, and motherhood as a whole, will challenge my best laid plans and intentions. But I am not going down without a fight on this one.
I call and book the first appointment I can with an acupuncturist. I do more inversions and pelvic tilts, lying there for an hour instead of the recommended 20 minutes. We hold ice packs to the top of my belly, and a heat compress at the bottom, trying to coax the baby toward the warmth. Then we start bargaining with the baby; pleading, begging, negotiating.
I can’t help it; I sob more.
To bring some levity to the situation, Matthew starts to sing.
“We’ll spin you right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, oooooh right round,
We’ll get you head down, baby, head down, like you want to baby, oooooh head down.”
Head down, Baby. Head down.
***
{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh sweetie! I’m sitting here crying for you.
I am HOPING HOPING HOPING that your little peanut turns right round ASAP. But don’t despair, at least you know this going in, and you know that no matter what, your baby will come out just fine. I had to have an unscheduled C-section (after trying for water birth, au natural for a looong time) and it was so scary at first, but in the end, it all works out. And you know what the best thing is? Your awesome husband. He rocks. Hang in there, girl. And if you ever need a random internet person to “let it all out” to, I’m here for you.
I can only imagine how scary an unscheduled c-section was! Thank you so much for the kind words of support 🙂
Oh, Lara… I’m sorry to hear that this has happened 🙁 I’m hoping that Baby will get back into the correct position so that you can continue with your birth plan. But most importantly, I hope you and Baby are safe and will continue to be safe. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts your way 🙂 XOXO.
Thanks for the well wishes, Hester. You are so sweet and thoughtful.
Big hugs to you Lara! I hope the little guy turns around soon, but you still have 2 weeks left, yes? That is still plenty of time for him to turn.
Your hubby is awesome, just know that regardless of what happens you are doing the best you can do, and that you’ll be holding your sweet baby soon.
Thanks Stacy. Yes, we still have time…technically he can turn anytime right up until the c-section and we don’t have to have it! Fingers crossed. I hope you are doing well!
This had to be difficult for you to write. My baby was not breech, but I would have been very upset as well. I used to freak out about everything I read on the Internet, sometimes I still do! Try not to let yourself get too overwhelmed. There is still time for that baby to turn!!! Keep singing the song! I love it!
Thanks Sarah! Yeah, I need to stop reading random forums on the internet. They’re a scary, scary thing.
such a bummer lara, im so sorry this little boy’s a stubborn one already. you should talk to lisa (imanokie) she just went through this a week ago and had a beautiful healthy baby. she tried the version too. anyway, im praying for your baby to flip too. 🙂
Thanks Elise! It was kind of ironic that I was following Lisa’s whole journey with this same issue when I found out about our situation just days later. She’s been great in sharing her experience. If we have to have a c-section, I am hoping for one like hers for sure.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s but the end of the world even though I’m sure it feels like it right now. But either way you will have a beautiful healthy baby boy regardless of how he enters this world.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you guys!
PS – your husband doing all that to help out? What an amazing man!
not*
Thanks Jessie. I know we’ll make the best of whatever ends up happening, but it was so hard to wrap my head around the possibilities during those first couple of days. Thanks for the good thoughts!
Oh Lara I am at a loss for words – I will pray he will turn soon. I can’t imagine your anguish. Hugs to you! But C-section or not, you and he will do great!
Thank you so much Missy 🙂
Oh Lara, I know you are hoping for a natural birth and to have everything go according to your plan … I understand it, I do. Good luck getting him to turn. I know it can happen. But please please please don’t feel like a failure if he comes into this world via C-section. A scheduled C-section (if you end up having to go that route) gives you time to prepare for what happens during and after. I watched a C-section video and it scared me a little but got me more comfortable with the whole idea. I had a super-natural C-section with immediate skin to skin and we were never apart and I nursed in recovery. It can happen … you just have to ask for it. And you can even have a doula come in for a C-section if you want. I don’t say this to diminish what you’re feeling — which surely is frustration and sadness that you might not have the birth you envisioned. But you might still … and even if you don’t, once he is here, I can promise you, his birth is a blip on the radar of a lifetime of memories. I don’t feel like less of a woman because of how she came out of me, and it makes me sad to hear on mommy blogs women who say feel like failures because of how they delivered. We’re ALL heroes. That said, I hope you can have the birth you want … but if it doesn’t work out that way, you will still have an amazing little boy in your arms and ultimately, that is all that will matter — though I know it’s hard to see that now. Love and hugs … stay strong. Down, baby, down!
Thanks Lissa. I’ve decided that if we do go down the c-section route, I am going to do my best not to beat myself up. Technically it would be an “elective” surgery, though for various reasons, if he doesn’t turn, we don’t really have much of a choice given the options we have been presented with.
I’m so glad to hear about your positive c-section experience, especially the immediate skin-to-skin. I’ve started preparing a list of questions to ask/requests to make if we do go forward with it, and the skin-to-skin would be a major thing for me. I hope they are amenable to it. Thank you for the encouragement and reassurance as always 🙂
I think we get too tripped up on the whole “elective” notion of a C-section. Sure, in some cases they are done out of convenience, but really, what difference does it make the “why”? There’s this huge misunderstanding in the blogosphere, especially, that anything other than a drug-free vaginal birth is not OK. I imagine if that is what you want and it doesn’t happen, there would be reason to be disappointed … and no one could argue that; it makes sense to feel that disappointment. But ultimately, once he is here, I have a feeling the “how” would matter far less … you’ll have things like nursing or formula; co-sleep or crib; baby-wear or put down to grapple with. Motherhood is a never-ending litany of judgment … and the harshest critics tend to be ourselves. You do what works for you!!
Yes, I did request skin to skin — and Luis was able to snuggle her right up to me while they stitched me back up. I detail the story here if you want to read about it. There’s also a video of a natural C-section that is beautiful and reminiscent of mine that I could send you in the event you DO end up needing one and want to be prepared. I hope they are amenable to it, too. That’s the good part of it not being an emergency C … I think I wouldn’t have felt as OK with the idea had I labored for 24 hours and then STILL needed one, KWIM? http://let-there-be-light.net/2010/12/24/mayas-birth/ I guess I just feel like everyone thinks C-sections are awful because the media makes them out to be that way … but honestly, there are pros and cons to everything and getting Baby Boy out safe is what matters most. I do hope he turns for your sake but if he doesn’t, you can be armed with research. And tell your doc what you want!!!!
I could send you that link if you’re interested (to the video–it isn’t mine!)
Hugs and hang in there. Turn, baby, turn!
I think I may have watched it last night…was this it by chance? http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/10/21/is-there-such-a-thing-as-a-natural-cesarean-video/
PPS–You look GORGEOUS in the pic!!
I agree (and I remember your post) about judgement with mothering and the choices we make. We are all so hard on ourselves and each other, when we should be supporting each other! For me, the disappointment stems most from this just not being what I have envisioned all this time. I understand and respect that c-sections are right for some people from the start, but for me, I just hate the unknown 🙁 I will definitely re-read Mia’s birth story, thank you!
Yup, that’s the vid! And I hope I didn’t sound insensitive — you know mine wasn’t elective, either. But I also knew from 32 weeks we were dealing with the nuchal cord and her size so I get that you’re suddenly now being faced with this potential option, so I can see why it would be discouraging and upsetting. Hope I didn’t come off insensitive; I totally didn’t mean to!!! And one way to look at it, if it does happen, you WILL know what to expect ahead of time, vs labor and delivery which is completely out of your control 😉 But in all seriousness, I’m thinking good thoughts that he turns and you can have the birth you want. Good thoughts!!
Oh absolutely not! I don’t mean to sound judgey, either. My control-freak nature just can’t handle a change in plans this late in the game 😉 But like you said–maybe the predictability of the surgery will actually help in that respect!
Lara, sweet Lara, this post just about made me cry too. Sending “flip right now” vibes to Baby Boy. Don’t lose hope and stay away from the online forums. He could totally flip. FLIP FLIP FLIP!
Love you guys (all three…okay five including dogs) and thinking of you lots and lots.
Thanks Heabie <3 I gave Baby Boy your message! 😉
Is it wrong to have smiled and laughed reading this post? 🙂
Not because what you’re going through doesn’t suck or that I don’t feel for you, but because partially you wrote it so well but mostly because the feelings you’re describing are oh-so-familiar!!! I just can’t help but smile.
What can I tell you to be helpful? I’m sure nothing other people haven’t told you.
I was right there though freaking out over everything , worried about everything, doing pelvic tilts (she was transverse till a few weeks before due date), and obsessing over a prospect of a cSection. It sucks, but apart from what you’re already doing (kudos for not just letting it go), there is nothing you can do.
Good luck!!! It’ll all work out. And your baby doesn’t have birth defects so just forget about it!
Thanks Elena. I didn’t realize Lexi was transverse a few weeks before her due date…that gives me hope! I’m definitely putting up a fight all the way and hoping our little guy gives in. Thanks for the support 🙂
Oh hun, I am so sorry! What a shock to have this happen. I’m sure I can’t tell you anything you don’t know already: that he can still flip back; that things will be OK; that there are natural approaches to c-sections (“natural cesarean”); and that your baby will be beautiful.
But it sucks that just when you felt like making a cozy home, nesting, relaxing & taking in these final weeks, you are rudely pulled out of your comfort zone. Lots of hugs… I’m really, really rooting for your stubborn little cutey to switch back.
Thank you so much Ruby. I’ve started looking into “natural cesarean” options and hope that we can have something similar if the situation doesn’t change. Currently I still have hope he will turn! Thanks for the hugs.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO *tears*
HUGS HUGS HUGS to you and Matthew.
….Tell Baby B Aunt Lindsay with throw in whatever he wants if he turns himself around, too….
Thanks Linds. Great to talk today!
Wishing you luck that your baby turns around! My sister’s first baby was breech. Her doctor let her have a vaginal breech delivery (but I think that’s rare)! I had one vaginal and one emergency c, which was not my birth plan either, and I cried when they told me I needed it even though I knew it was true b/c I could hear the baby’s heart rate dropping. But, it’s all TOTALLY fine in the end once you see your baby for the first time!!!
Thanks Stacie. As far as the vaginal breech, we did consider our option there, but we would struggle to find a qualified physician in the area willing to do it. I think you’re right–once I see the baby I won’t care how he got here!
We’ve talked. You know. You, Matthew, and baby are constantly in my thoughts. And, in my thoughts, baby is always head down. Hang in there mama. I have faith. Call anytime. <3
Thanks friend. Your support means so much to me.
I can relate 100%, I can only imagine how ridiculous I must have looked crawling around on all fours at 36 Weeks pregnant. The thing that finally got our baby to flip was doing hand stands in the pool (husband assisted). However even though the baby did flip I still ended up with an emergency c section after 38 stubborn hours of labor.In the end all that mattered was that the baby was healthy and beautiful though! Positive thoughts going your way!
Oh my goodness, what a story! Yeah, the handstands are fun 😉 Thank you for the positive thoughts!
I know it’s upsetting when things don’t go (or may not go) the way you had your heart set on. But honesty, a c-section doesn’t have to be terrible. I got to hold and nurse my son as soon as we were wheeled into recovery. He was never taken from us (the whole nursery thing isn’t really done in Canada, unless maybe a NICU) situation. He had a short cord and vaginal delivery would never have been possible. Sometimes it’s just beyond your control– and now that he’s nine months old I realize that many things about parenthood are. I hope you have a positive birth and healthy babe however it has to happen!
That’s wonderful that you had such a great experience. And yes, I’ve been told there may well be a very good reason why he is breech…that sometimes baby knows better than we do! Thank you for the well wishes and sharing your experience.
Ask the acupuncturist about getting a moxibustion stick to take home with you so you can do it all day long – that’s how it will be the most helpful. Good luck!
Thanks Caitlin, we’re doing the moxibustion, too! I thought it was so silly at first, but everyone I speak to swears by it. Fingers crossed!
It can still happen! Lulu turned the last week. I did all the inversions, head stands, crawling on all fours, etc. etc. and she did it! Prayers that it works for you too…and if it doesn’t, it’ll be just fine!
I find that so comforting! I’ve been hearing more and more about babies who were breech at this time in the pregnancy and turn. I still have hope! Thanks Sarah 🙂
I really hope baby will listen to what I told him!!! Sending turning vibes baby’s way!
I did pass along the message, so hopefully he will take it into consideration 😉 Thanks Andrea.
You and your amazing son are going to be JUST FINE! Praying for all of you; hang in there! Before you know it you will be holding your sweet boy and wondering why you were so worried.
Thank you so much 🙂
Hi Lara, I know you don’t know me so I feel kind of funny giving any kind of advice…but hopefully it will make you feel better. I and my two sisters were breech, my two children were breech and we are all fine. My two c-sections went very well, recovery was not a problem and my kids were healthy. And like my mom always told me…when it comes to kids and you get to a point (at any stage) that you feel like you know what you are doing, the kids change on you. They definitely keep you on your toes. Don’t worry about how your baby comes into this world as long as you both are healthy, you will have incredible memories of the moment you become a mother. It really is the best. Good luck! 🙂
Thank you so much Erika. Your reassurance really does make me feel better 🙂
Sorry that he’s thrown you a curve ball. You didn’t mention moxibustion – do you know about that? You can google it – there have been some positive studies. It’s a stinky stick that’s lit (like incense) and placed by your little toe. I know, sounds crazy. Look into it. Anything that might work is worth trying, right?
Have you decided to schedule an external version? I’ve seen it work quite a few times! It is an uncomfortable process, so ask if you can have something to help you relax and reduce pain from being prodded so. This is where gas and air to breathe would be perfect!
Even though complications from c/s are quite low, there are good reasons to do everything to avoid them, such as hospital infections and a higher incidence of placenta adherence/position problems with future pregnancies (due to the internal scar). So, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you! If it has to be, it has to be, but if it doesn’t, all the better! Good luck, you two! 🙂
Hi Gail, we are doing moxibustion as well, in tandem with the acupuncture appointments and at home. I did indeed think it was nuts at first, but it really does get the baby active, so I have hope that it will be effective!
Yes, the version is scheduled for Wednesday morning. I hear it will be quite uncomfortable, but I am looking at it as good practice for labor 🙂 Thank you for the support!
Great you’re open to trying anything, Lara! Meant to ask you if your doctor said they’d be using the medication to relax your uterus? It’s more successful that way, and really makes a difference. Whatever you normally do for deep relaxation, such as meditation, deep breathing, staring into Matthew’s eyes as if you were in labour :-), use it!
Also, I came across this UK mum’s site that talks about lots of methods to try to turn your boy (I think you’re already doing them all) and ECV. I mention it because there are loads of mother’s comments after it that are interesting. Some had success in 10 seconds and didn’t hurt a bit, to those that didn’t work and wouldn’t ever want to try it again. Matthew can help you interpret some of the ‘foreign language’ and txt-speak really young mums tend to use over here. Ha! Two nations divided by a common language!
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/labourandbirth/labourcomplications/turnbreechbabyexpert/
Good luck tomorrow! I’ll be sending positive vibes across the pond at…what time are you scheduled to have it?
Oooh thanks, I’ll have a read right now! Yep, they’re using medication to relax the uterus. I’m not thrilled about the fact that it’s a drug, but I guess it really does up the chances of success.
I am kind of glad that the internet wasn’t alive and well when I had Hannah – I would have driven myself nuts with all the stuff that is out there.
My advise? Just breathe. Babies come out one way or another, and while I realize its not your birth plan, I know it will be alright. HUGS!!
The internet is a blessing and a curse at times, right?! Thanks for the hugs.
Oh, Lara – I’m so sorry that this is happening at such a late stage. While I am still very limited in my knowledge of pregnancy, I will say that my mom ended up having me in an unscheduled C-section (after I was more than two weeks late, I might add) and everything went just fine. If that was back in 1987, I can only imagine that things have advanced greatly since then! Hang in there and keep on singing – I am thinking of you often!
Thank you, sweet Jenn!
I know that this is gonna be a controversial comment but one of my best friends, a beautiful and very strong woman, who also happens to be a doula, gave birth to her son at home, breach. It was, of course, a dramatic experience. She had to fly in a special midwife last minute, from Texas who was willing to work with her. She didn’t listen to the people who said it couldn’t be done. She knew she could do it and that it was her destiny to allow this little boy a more natural rite of passage! It was probably the most difficult thing she has ever done and required a well of strength she didn’t know she had. But she did it!! And Zeraphin is a very special and extremely powerful little boy. I present this story to you, just so you know that natural birth may still be an option and with that being said I still hope that your baby turns!! Good luck and Blessings to you and your family!! ~*~
Thanks for sharing a little about her story! I know in some parts of the world, vaginal breech births are commonly done and therefore can be very safe. We have done some research about our options in Washington and they are very limited, so it’s not something we are comfortable with with the resources we have. The risks are just too high without a trained, experienced caregiver.
Thank you for the well wishes!
It’s all going to work out! You are healthy and your baby will be healthy even if you may have to throw the original birth plan out the window. You’re so close – all your worries will be history soon 🙂
Thanks Elina…I sure hope so 🙂
Lara, have you considered vaginal breech birth? You do not have to have caesarean if your baby doesn’t turn. Unfortunately, there is a lot of mis-information around about breech presentation. Vaginal breech birth, in the right conditions, is just as safe as caesarean for the baby. However, a key factor in safety is to find a care-provider with experience in vaginal breech and there are not many about (hence most recommending caesarean birth). The Coalition for Breech Birth will be able to help with information on this and might also be able help point you in the right direction for a second opinion. Check out http://www.breechbirth.ca or http://www.breechbirth.net or join the Coalition for Breech Birth on Facebook.
Hi there, we have considered it, but as you point out, there are very few physicians trained and willing to do a vaginal breech birth in the US. Washington in particular is very difficult, and without an exceptionally skilled provider in a hospital setting, we are not willing to do it. The risks are just too high.
Absolutely – its your body and your baby and you have to make the best decision for yourself and your family. I was in your situation a couple of years ago and went for the vaginal birth option and am very glad I did. But its an individual choice and, as you say, if you can’t find a suitable care provider, the choice isn’t necessarily there at all. If you haven’t been in touch with the CBB yet though, they might be connected with somebody who can help you in the Washington area. They are often fielding
this sort of request. Failing that, it sounds like you still have some time for turning. Good luck!
How did the version end up going?
Thanks for asking. Three tries and not a single inch moved :'(
Aw I’m sorry, but there’s still time! And if it has to be a c section, it won’t be so awful, but I would really recommend getting something like a belly band or some other type of support band to wear once you get home from the hospital, it made a world of difference in my mobility and recovery after the surgery.
Great tip, thank you. Any brand in particular you can recommend?
I used the “belly bandit” c section recovery isn’t exactly what its advertised for but I found it offered the most support and was the most comfortable under cloths, which was important since I wore it nearly everyday for about 4 Weeks.
{ 4 trackbacks }