Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Let’s get one thing straight: you are merely a device I use to stalk my closest friends and frenemies; oh, and to post flattering photos and status updates which reflect well upon myself.  That’s it.  I am not addicted to you.  Got that?  I can quit you anytime I want.

And I do want to quit you.  I want to quit you when you flash it around in my face that the girl I had a teensy rivalry with in high school just got engaged at the top of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, complete with photos of her 2 carat Tiffany diamond ring.  Or when you suggest I friend my ex: boyfriend or best friend…both are equally cringe-inducing.

So let’s make a deal, Facebook.  I’ll use you to stay in touch with those I love, and to quietly judge those I don’t (*cough* like that “friend” who thinks it’s appropriate to post about her toddler’s bowel movements), and you will promise to never, EVER, enable that rumored feature which allows any of those people to see who has viewed their profile.  I also require that you stop tailoring ads to me regarding weight loss, fertility treatments, and very sad-looking rescue dogs.   In return, I promise not to quit you, criticize your changes, or get too active on Google+.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just heard the sound of a notification ping.

Addictedly Yours,

Lara